How to reduce your dwelling?

We’ve all been through trauma in our lives, but how did we deal with it all after it was over?

In my case, falling in love is something to dwell over. Grieving over the loss of someone who is still living is more traumatic for me than losing someone over death. Because in death, you grieve, mourn, and reminisce. While with the loss of someone you fell in love with who is still living, you grieve, mourn, reminisce, get angry, feel sorry for yourself, ask yourself what did you do wrong, and possibly come in contact with that person again to only generate the same bad habits; and so much more.

Falling in love is a big mess. But that is not the subject for today. I’m here to talk about “dwelling”.

Dwell: to linger in the same state.

We all have or will dwell over something. So don’t beat yourself up about it. Dwelling is not a bad thing. It’s a process we have to go through when we just feel tired of the new things and the old things. It’s a pause for us when we need a break and think.

So if you feel as if you’re dwelling, just let it happen, and tell yourself that you are.

  1. Tell yourself that you are dwelling. If you feel as if you are dwelling, just make sure you know that you are so you can keep a mental note of how long and often you dwell.
  2. Don’t dwell too much. Find a time and place where you feel as if you can. Possibly, in your room at 8:30 P.M. (“Okay… Now it is okay to dwell.“) Because if you’re out with friends and then all of a sudden your mind takes you back to the past, your friends might notice a difference in your body language; you might not be enjoying his or her time and would rather just sleep and ponder. So, we don’t want it to take time out of your day. Because then we will lead to dwelling more often than healthy.
  3. It’s okay to cry. Sometimes people cry over what had happened in his or her life, and that is okay. No matter how many people tell you to stop crying or that it is not okay to cry, or whatever the standards, crying is okay. And keeps your mind even clearer each time you do it. Eventually you won’t need to cry. At some point the crying decreases. But holding in your tears doesn’t mean your strong. It means you not being able to handle emotional connection and bottling up your own feelings towards things that hurt you. And that is very unhealthy.
  4. Be honest. Be honest to yourself. It’s okay to ask yourself questions about what happened, but just be prepared for the honesty. It’s not good to keep telling yourself what you’d like to hear rather than what is really going on. Just know you might cry extraordinarily afterwards, but remember the increased amount of crying eventually stops.

That is pretty much it. Very simple, but hard to grasp and control. Sometimes I might even say to myself, “Fuck it. Just dwell,” on any occasion. But it doesn’t help me in the long run. If you feel like saying “fuck it”, that’s fine. Just remember to get back on track.

We want to be able to control our emotional outbursts, not cause an uproar or turn into a passive aggressive person just shying away his or her emotional needs. We want to be in control and know it’s okay to dwell, but there is appropriate times to do it.

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